Ice Cream of Evulz
by Anon Fishy-chan
Summary: How would the "Story of Evil" series turn out if Miku was replaced by Kaito's ice cream cone? That's all you need to know.
1. Daughter of Ice Cream

Disclaimer: All Vocaloids belongs to Yamaha and their respective distributors. Akuno-P owns the song "Daughter Of Evil", and all the other songs in the "Story of Evil" series. This fic is in no way intended to insult said series, it is only a parody.

_(A/N: My real author's notes look like this, but my fake/parody ones are in bold)_

**(A/N: Luka, Gakupoop, Gummy, SF-A2 Micki, Yucky, That weird teacher guy, Lilly, Mizki, That Barney clone, Hello Kitty girl, and Those british pplz are not in dis fic bcuz they arnt kewl enough)**

**Chapter 1: Daughter of Ice Cream**

There was once an evil queen in a kingdom far away, long ago. Well, she wasn't completely evil, as in she wasn't as evil as Darth Vader or something, but she was still pretty evil. Her name was Queen Rin Kagamine XXIV. Queen Rin XXIV had golden locks that fell to her shoulders, and ice blue eyes that could pierce a person's soul like an exacto knife **(A/N: Rin is soooooo pretty!).**

One day, when Queen Rin was fourteen years old, she saw a man eating an ice cream cone and fell in love with him at first sight. He had amazing sapphire blue orbs, with hair that was a perfect shade of cornflower, but in the sunlight looks more like a radiant shade of azure. **(A/N: OMG! Kaito iz sooooo gorgeous!)**.

_"He's so handsome,"_ the Queen Rin thought, _"So he must be a prince!"_

Yes, Rin still had the shallow belief that all beautiful people are royal, and that all ugly people are peasants. You couldn't blame her, though, since that's how it was in her kingdom... I mean... _queen_dom.

She strutted up to the "Prince", and shouted,

"Oh, Prince, I love you! Will you marry me?"

He replied, "I'm not a prince, my name is Kaito, and my true love is my ice cream cone!"

"NOOOOO!" screamed Queen Rin.

She hopped onto her horse **(A/N: Who, BTW, was named Josephine)**, and rode home, to her palace.

* * *

When she got home, she sat on her throne and moped.

"Why did the most handsome man I've have ever seen have to be in love with an ice cream cone? What have I done wrong! What have I done to deserve this!"

"A lot," mumbled a servant named Len, who was actually Queen Rin's twin, but she didn't know that. **(A/N: U should ttly know that, though, or else ur not a tru Vocaloid fan!) **

"How dare you insult me, servant!" yelled Queen Rin, "Anyways," she commanded, "I have a task for you. You have to go to... some place, somewhere, and find a man named Kaito, who is eating an ice cream cone. He has amazing sapphire blue ors, with hair that is the perfect shade of cornflower, but in the sunlight looks more like a radiant shade of azure!"

"I have to kill him?" asked Len, who had hair the colour of spun sunshine and cerulean eyes **(A/N: Len is soooooo gorgeous! I ttly want 2 marry him!) . **

"No, you fool! You have to kill his ice cream! If you don't do that properly, I'll run you over with a road roller!" Queen Rin screamed.

* * *

Len sighed, then hopped onto his pogo stick **(A/N: Len needs to hav a supa kewl mode of tranzportation!). **Len found the man Queen Rin was looking for because he was is a super genius.

Len was going to grab the ice cream cone from the man named "Kaito", but then he came to a shocking realization: **(A/N: DRUM ROLL PLZ ! EPIC SUSPENSEFULLNESS!) **

Len realized that he was lactose intolerant. So he couldn't eat the ice cream. **(A/N: DUN DUN DUH!)**

**END OF CHAPTER 1**

**(A/N: PLZ REVIEW OR ELSE I WON'T CONTINUE! NO FLAMES PLZ!)**

_(A/N: The chapters will have names based of the titles of the songs in the "Story of Evil", but they will not necessarily be directly based of that song. Also, there will only be three chapters. (I'm not including chapters with titles based off "Regret Message", "Twilight Prank", or "Re: Birthday") And yes, I do want reviews.)_


	2. Servant of Ice Cream

_(A/N: Thanks for all the supportie reviews! I'm very happy to know that there are other people who are tired of cliche "Story of Evil" retellings! On a less happy note, beware that this chapter will contain fake Gakupo and fake Engloid bashing. In reality, Gakupo is one of my favourite vocaloids, and I have no problems with the Engloids, since they sing in my language, after all.)_

**(A/N: THNX 4 ALL TEH REVIEWS! I WOULD'VE DIED IF U DIDN'T REVIEW THIS FICCIE! Also, Len (333333) gets to do da Gakupoop warning!)**

**Len: The what?**

**Author: Da Gakupoop warning, where you warn vocaloid fans dat Gakupoop will have a cameo in dis chappie. **

**Len: Right. Anyways, dear readers, be warned that Gakupoop will have a cameo in this chapter. Even though he is incredibly loathsome, the author is incredibly talented at portraying him as wonderfully as an angel sent from heaven. If you are faint at heart and cannot stand to see the name "Gakupoop" mentioned again, please click the back button immediately and find another fic to read. Also, note that prolonged exposure to Gakupoop can cause nausea, vomiting, heart attack and stroke. If any of these things actually happen to you, you can't say that I, Len Kagamine, or the author, did not warn you. So if anything happens! Please don't sue us! The author is already dealing with lawsuits from...**

**Author: ... heh heh (sweatdrops) Now for da story!**

**Ice Cream of Evulz**

**Chapter 2: Servant of Ice Cream**

He contemplated what to do, but by the time he finally decided that he was going to shout "Look! A distraction!" at Kaito, then grab the ice cream and chuck it into the garbage can, Kaito had already finished it .

"I have failed my Queen!" Len cried, and a single, crystalline tear rolled down his cheeks that were smoother than a baby's bottom **(A/N: POOR LEN! DON'T WORRY! I STILL LUV U!)**

Len bounced back to the palace on his pogo stick, and lied to Queen Rin. He told her that he had assasinated **(A/N: I'm really smrt so I use big words)** the ice cream cone. After all, she wouldn't notice the difference, right?

Of course, Queen Rin realized that there were still ice cream parlours, all around the country, where Kaito could find more of his beloved ice cream. So, she was going to lead her army on a giant crusade to destroy all the ice cream parlours of the land. To justify her actions, Queen Rin made sure that her publicist told everyone that she was taking these measures to stop the obesity epidemic. **(A/N: RIN IS SOOOOOO SMART!)**

Queen Rin was going to march through the lands on beautiful white stallion, Josephine. She asked her random boring, ugly, stupid, despicable, old, wrinkly, butler **(A/N: WHO IS NOT LEN BECUZ LEN IS TTLY HAWT AND AWESUM AND NOT OLD AND SMRT AND WONDERFUL IN EVRY WAY!)** where to get the unimportant dude who works in the stables to bring out Josephine.

"Josephine isn't in the stables for some reason..." said The Unimportant Stable Dude.

"IT'S YOUR FAULT THEN!" yelled Queen Rin, "OFF TO THE DUNGEON YOU GO!"

Some knights popped out of nowhere and dragged The Unimportant Stable Dude to the DUNGEON (A/N: Dun dun DUHHHHHH!)

Meanwhile, Josephine politely tapped on the door of a large palace that was not quite as big as Queen Rin's. A handsome man **(A/N: It is hard 2 bring myself to describe da hideous being known as "Gakupoop" as being handsome)** with long purple hair opened the door **(A/N: He probably looks like a girl, right?) **.

"Oh dear," the man said, "Please don't tell me even females animals are now attracted to my irresistable charm." **(A/N: I'M NOT THOUGH, GAKUPOOP! MY HEART BELONGS TO LEN!)**

Back at her castle, Queen Rin had come to a solution.

"I guess'll I have to use my roadroller, then," she said with an oddly evil form of glee. **(A/N: I LUV WATCHING GLEE!)**

"What am I supposed to do now, my Queen?" asked Len. **(A/N: I WANT LEN 2 CALL ME THAT!)**

Queen Rin pulled a beautilicious, frilly, saffron, gold dress that was edged with lace and lined with the shiniest diamonds **(A/N: I would look beautilicious in a dress like that!)** out of thin air **(A/N: Rin is soooo awesum that she is now a wizard!).**

"Len, wear this," Queen Rin commanded, "You are the only person in the whole castle that looks enough like me to pretend to be me while I'm gone."

Len thought that her command did not make any sense, because everyone in the kingdom... I mean, _queendom_, knew that she was going on her Ice Cream Parlour-destroying spree today. And even if Queen Rin needed to be present at the castle, she could have made a double of herself, since she was a wizard, after all.

But he didn't tell her that because he did not want to have his head chopped off, or be run over by her road roller, or be locked in a room and forced to listen Engloid songs for all eternity. **(A/N: Dem Engloids suk! Miley Cyrus is waaaay kewla!)**

Len also knew that the Queen was very beautiful, so he said:

"Thanks for telling me I am almost as beautiful, elegant, and graceful as you are." **(A/N: Len is all that and more!)**

"But you're a guy," replied Queen Rin, so that might be a bad thing." (A/N: NO IT ISN'T! BISHONENESS IS PWNAGE!)

So, Queen Rin went outside, jumped on to her road roller, and headed off to decimate all the Ice Cream Parlours of the land.

Len put on the dress **(A/N: Len would be sooooo beautilicious in that dress!)** and sat on Queen Rin's throne.

He sat there for 3 hours, 51 minutes, and 17 seconds. (A/N: Len is sooooo smart that he can calculate dat kinda stuf in his head!)

Suddenly, an angry mob of people led by a woman with short burgundy tresses in bright scarlet armour **(A/N: The woman is Meiko)** crashed through the door.

"WE'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU, QUEEN RIN!" screamed Meiko, "YOU'RE COMING WITH US!"

Len put his hands up and shouted "Don't shoot!", but Meiko and the angry mob, who did not have any guns, grabbed Len, put handcuffs on him, and dragged him out the door.

**(A/N: TIME SKIP)**

Rin came back to the palace, only to not find Len there.

"You must leave quickly, your majesty," said the old, ugly butler, "Your decoy has been taken away by revolutionaries."

Rin ran out of the palace, hopped on to her road roller, and rode to the town where "Prince" Kaito lived, so she could be reunited with her beloved prince and find safety. **(A/N: She did not thank the butler becuz he does not deserve to be thanked anyways)**

**END OF CHAPTER TWO**

**(A/N: PLEEZ REVIEW OR ELSE I WILL DIE!)**

_(A/N: The Josephine meeting Gakupo joke was a shout out to something. I want to see if you can guess what it is. Also, I know that "stallion" is a term used to describe male horses, and I described Josephine as a stallion to make fun of how some fanfic authors forget to do the research. )_


	3. Daughter of Vanilla

_(A/N: Not much to say, except thanks to Violette-K for her suggestions regarding the fake author's "I won't continu dis ficcie" thing, and Kaito's appearance.)_

**(A/N: Tiem for me and my Lenny-poo to have a chat~!)**

**Author: I won't continu dis ficcie unless I get 987654321 good rayviewz!**

**Len: But isn't this is the last chapter?**

**Author: I'M DA AUTHOR LENNY-TAN! I KNOW EVRYTING! AND I KNOW HOW U FEEL ABOUT ME!**

**Len: I think you're annoying, and a terrible writer.**

**Author: I THOUGHT DAT U LUVED ME! *runs off to cry in corner***

**Len: Now let the story begin. **

**Ice Cream of Evulz**

**Chapter 3: Daughter of Vanilla**

So, Queen Rin drove off to the village where her beloved "Prince" Kaito lived. Although she did stop at a gas station along the way to refuel her road roller **(A/N: Roadrollas PWN!)**,and change out of her uber-ostentatious**(A/N: Me so smarticle dat I use big wordz!) **canary yellow-gown made of Chines silk that was embroidered with thread made of platinum, into a much more understated jogging suit **(A/N: A kawaii jogging suit, mind you). **Okay, and she stopped to stay overnight at a Super 8 Motel along the way.

Anyways, Queen Rin managed to arrive in the town the next morning. She went to the town square, which had dimensions of 127 metres by 127 metres, or 16,129 metres squared **(A/N: Me so smart cuz instead of doing math in my head I use calculator)**,and saw her beloved "Prince" standing there. Without an ice cream cone.

The sun shone perfectly on his glaucous-coloured hair, which blew perfectly in the gentle breeze. His cerulean eyes glittered beautifully. Rin ran up to him, overjoyed. Her Aureolin strands of hair blew away from her face as she ran towards her beloved. She looked at him with her large, Palatinate Blue eyes sparkled as she looked up at his smooth, cosmic latte skin. **(A/N: I know soooooo many colorz!)**

"I have something to tell you... " Queen Rin started saying, with a coquelicot blush spreading across her Isabelline cheeks , but Kaito cut in,

"Do you want some sponge cake?"

"Pardon me?"

"Well," Kaito said, "since that evil Queen destroyed all of my beloved ice cream parlours, my favourite food is now sponge cake!"

"Errrm... no thanks," Queen Rin replied politely. She convienently had not heard the part about the "evil Queen"** (A/N: The Evil Queen iz Rin in case ya didn't know)**

"Yay!" exclaimed Kaito, "More for me!"

He gluttonously, but nevertheless handsomely **(A/N: Becuz everything Kaito does is handsome!) **shoved the sponge down his beautiful gullet.

Queen Rin, who was enamoured by such spectacle, was also overcome with sadness because Kaito was now with his new love.

She ran away, tears streaming down her Isabelline cheeks.

To overcome her sadness, she ran to a bakery so that way she could eat a lot of sweets to make herself feel better. **(A/N: Obviouzly Rin would not become fat becuz she has a high metabolizm!)**

At the bakery, she walked dejectedly up to the counter and asked for a piece of Brioche.

The woman who worked there had long ivory-coloured hair, pale alabaster skin, and carmine eyes. She was also wearing a name tag that said "Haku Yowane." **(A/N: Haku is soooooo much more of an official loid than da engloidz and evryone who izn't made by Crypton!)**

Anyways, Haku , who was reading a magazine and had no real interest in her customer, said "Would you like a piece of spongecake? It's half price."

"No thanks," Queen Rin answered, "It reminds me of a lost love! Waaaaaa!"

Tears started to run down her cheeks, which were already tear-stained.

Haku became a bit disturbed her customer's crying, asked her about her "lost love".

"Well," Queen Rin managed to get out between sobs, "He was incredibly beautiful and gorgeous and wonderful in every way. But he never really loved me, and instead he loved his ice cream more than anything or anyone else. And after I... I mean _The Queen_... destroyed all the ice cream parlours of the land, he just switched his love to being sponge cake."

"Oh," Haku asked, "Are you talking about Kaito?"

"Yes," Queen Rin mumbled.

Haku started laughing.

"Kaito? He's a dumb fat guy who used to be a regular at the Dairy Queen where I worked. Until it got run over by the Queen's Road Roller, course. Well, luckily the Queen was overthrown a while ago, but that won't replace any ice cream parlours."

"Kaito isn't fat!" screamed Queen Rin, who ignored everything Haku said after the thing about Kaito being fat, "He has perfectly chiselled abs!" **(A/N: I agree with Rin!)**

Haku looked up from her magazine and continued to argue with Queen Rin.

" 'Perfectly chiselled abs'? The guy has man b... Hey! You're that Ev..I mean... Queen Rin!"

"Darn!" yelled Queen Rin, "I mean... yes, I do look like the Queen."

"Just spit it out," said Haku, "You're Queen Rin, and the person who is about to be beheaded is actually your servant, Len, in a dress."

"How do you know?" asked Queen Rin, who face-faulted in shock.

"Well, I watch a lot of _Vocaloid_ videos," Haku replied, **(A/N: So do I~!) **

"The scenario in this country seems to be quite a lot like this series called the _Story of Evil_, except for the fact that in the song, Kaito isn't fat. And he's in love with this beautiful viridian-haired girl called "Miku", who lives in the 'Land of Green"..."

"Don't you mean 'Greenland'?" Queen Rin asked.

"No," responded Haku seriously, "Anyways, he loves Miku instead of loving his ice cream cone. But..."

**(Haku explains the whole **_**Story of Evil**_**, which you should already know)**

... and that's how I know the truth about you." **(A/N: OMGEEZ HAKU IS SUCH A STALKA! BUT SHE'S A VOCALOID FAN SO SHE IZ KEWL!)**

"I see." muttered Queen Rin.

"You know," Haku said, picking up the phone behind the counter, "I should report you to the relevant authorities, so they can behead you instead of Len."

"NOOOOOOOOOO!" Queen Rin shouted melodramatically, "I'm still young! I can change and become a better person! I don't want to die now! I'm only fourteen! I haven't gotten my first kiss! Or graduated high school and went to Harvard Law School! And I haven't lost my..."

"Okay, okay. I won't report you the relevant authorities, but only if you promise to be a better person."

Queen Rin sighed, "Alright," she put her hand over her heard, "I solemnly swear to be a better person."

"Good," Haku smiled, "You know, you can still rescue Len. They aren't going to behead him until three o'clock. You might be able to get back to the Country's capital on time to save him."

Queen Rin sat and thought about that for a moment.

"I'll do it!" she exclaimed, "I! WILL! SAVE! LEN!"

Queen Rin eagerly ran out the door ... but then ran back in. She pulled some money out of her pocket and handed it to Haku.

"One slice of brioche, please!"

"Oh, right." Haku said, then handed Queen Rin her slice of brioche.

Queen Rin hopped into her roadroller and quickly drove to the capital city of whatever country she (technically) ruled over.

The drove to the town square (which was 129 metres by 129 metres, or 16641 metres squared) **(A/N: ME USE CALCULATOR AGAIN!)**,where she saw Len being pushed up to the guillotene **(A/N: DUN DUN DUN DUHHHHH! NO! LEN DON'T LEAVE ME!).**

She drove her roadroller almost right over the crowd, then stood up on top of it and said:

"Let Len go, because I promise to change and be a better person. I'll try to control my own goverment, and not be controlled by those bossy old guys **(A/N: who are not Vocaloids)** who just wanted to oppress the people of our country, and who used me as a puppet ruler! I will try to make a difference, and even thought it may be a long and difficult road to improved conditions, I'll try my hardest during my reign as Queen!

Len's gorgeous sky blue eyes sparkled happily as his captors let him free.

Queen Rin started chanting, "Can we do it? YES WE CAN!"

All the people who were there to view Len's beheading started to sing

_"Bob the..."_

And everyone lived happily ever after. **(A/N: And Lenny-poo married me!)**

**THE END**

**Author: Oh Lenny-tan! We're going to get married!**

**Len: No way! *runs off***

**Author: I'M GONNA GET CHA GET CHA GET CHA! *chases after him***

_(A/N: So, this is the end. Or maybe not, because I might write a little omake chapter about Kaito. But in case I don't, remember I only said 'might'. All the funky colour names I mentioned are actual colours, according to Wikipedia. Interesting Fact: The official colour of the universe is "cosmic latte". Lastly, the "Bob the Builder" theme song does not belong to me, but to some person I don't really care about.)_


	4. Re: Ice Cream Omake Chapter

_(A/N: Thanks to your encouragement, I decided that I'll write the Kaito omake.)_

**Author: Last tiem I did not get 987654321 rayviewz! U meanies! U were supposed 2 rayview!**

**Len: Then why are you writing this chapter, if you said you wouldn't update if you didn't get that many reviews?**

**Author: I'm writin dis fanfic for DA ART! And ur not in dis chappie, Lenny-poo.**

**Len: Whaddeva. **

**Re: Ice Cream**

**~Kaito's POV~**

I first felt true happiness when I was two and a half years old.

It was when I first tasted ice cream.

The sweet, creamy taste of Vanilla Haagen-Dazs brought joy to my puerile heart.

Even though my small, chubby hands could barely hold the cone, and half of it fell onto the ground, that was the day I first fell in love. .

I loved ice cream for the rest of my life, more than anything or anyone else.

It was the most beautiful of loves. I loved ice cream, and nobody could ever say that it didn't love me back.

Every single day, I visited the local Dairy Queen, and ordered whatever was the most likely to kill an ordinary person from its tooth-rotting sweetness. I, of course, am no ordinary person.

I am none other than... KAITO SHION!

Alas, like many of love story, my story did not end well.

One day, the Queen of the land I live in decided that she was going to annihilate all the ice cream parlours of the land.

She claimed that it was because there was too much obesity in her Queendom.

I know that what she claimed was a LIE. Queen Rin was an evil girl. All she wanted was to destroy the happiness that ice cream parlours gave many people. Especially people who found their number one happiness them, like me.

I was there the day Queen Rin smushed my favourite Dairy Queen. I saw the cruel smile on her seemingly-innocent face. When she saw me, for some reason, her expression softened, but I know it was because no person, no matter how evil, can hold such a creepy grin for long.

As the Dairy Queen suffered through its slow, painful, and tragic demise, tears streamed down my face the waters of the Nile River. I collapsed to the ground, went into fetal position, and started sucking my thumb.

There was no hope. My only source of happiness had been destroyed.

The next day, I could barely bring myself to think properly. Everything seemed so lucid without my ice cream. For once my mind felt clear. I knew that something was very wrong. I was out of character. I couldn't be so intelligent. I was Kaito Shion, the Prince, the Sasquatch, the Ice Cream-Loving Maniac, but certainly not anything associated to having brain cells. I found myself capable almost solving the problem involving the Grand Unified Theory. I could was interested in reading_ War and Peace _, and I read it within half an hour.

Disturbed by new-found smartitude, I walked sadly down the street to see if fresh air could make it go away. Then, I smelled something delicious coming out of a small bakery. My mind immediately returned back to its normal, deluded, state.

I entered the bakery, and saw Haku, the woman who used to serve ice cream at my favourite Dairy Queen, working there. I was overjoyed.

"Haku!" I exclaimed gleefully, and ran towards her, "I haven't seen you in ages!"

With her usual apathy, she responded, "Kaito, I saw you yesterday."

"What is that delightful smell?" I asked, ignoring her indifference.

"Oh, that," Haku said, "sponge cake."

"Can I buy... let me see..." I counted on my fingers, "one, two, three... hmmm... nine slices!"

"Okay..." she answered, "That'll be twelve dollars and forty-eight cents."

I pulled out some cash and promptly handed it to her, and she passed me my beautiful slices of sponge cake.

I giddily ran outside the shop and eagerly nommed down of one of them.

I had found a new true love.

A young, blond girl walked up to me. She seemed familiar from somewhere, but everyone looks the same to me, so I probably didn't know her. The girl said something unintelligible.

Not knowing what to do, I asked her if she wanted some sponge cake, but she declined and ran off.

For the life of me, I can't understand why she wouldn't want a taste of heaven.

**THE END**

**(A/N: WOOHOO! FINISHED! I DIDN'T MAKE ANY AUTHORS NOTES THIS WHOLE CHAPPIE! Except for this one...)**

_(A/N: I called this chapter "Re: Ice Cream" because it's loosely connected to the main story, like how "Re: Birthday" is loosely connected to the "Story of Evil" Anyways, thanks for reviewing, or just reading this fic. Because of your support, I now know that there are indeed other people who are tired of cliche Vocaloid song retellings.)_


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